i lost control

this is my third attempt. i start to realize how hard is it to put everything that has happened within the past one month in words. sometimes, i find myself avoiding the topic. avoiding the questions. avoiding the 'what if's'. i guess i wasn't as strong as i thought i would be. showing how i feel was never my strong point. distance and time difference brought insecurities that words cant cure. timing was never this perfect. i left and boarded the plane in a rush, left with no proper goodbye to theBoy at the other end. i arrived feeling unwell and simply too much to handle in a short period of time. i guess at one point, i got carried away. the new environment, the new friends, the new responsibilities. despite all those, there was still this one person i had in mind the whole time. without internet connection, there was a breakdown in communication. again, timing was a factor. conversations had never been smooth from the beginning till the end. eventually, the doubts, the insecurities, the mind wonders, the blood rush to the head..and the argument begins. without a sound, the crack went deeper and deeper. the miles apart increased, bringing us further away from each other. once again, i realize i wasn't so strong after all. we were exhausted. the waiting, chances to see each other again was almost impossible. and so it ended.

i was left stunned. tears were dry. my eyes did not turn red like it used to.
sitting there, i thought to myself. walking away from 2years worth of memories, of hardship, of happy times, of sad times, of time, of places, of events..away from the one i love because the trust is no longer there.

the guilt takes on.
are we better apart? you get to do the things you've always wanted to do, while i continue to adapt to this new environment and grow as a person.
before it turns better, i guess it's gonna hurt real bad.

thank you, for everything..