Friday, October 08, 2010

The fear

Fear. I've yet to come across a person who has no fear. One may be very strong in many ways but there will always be fear somewhere somehow. Fear has been something that I've struggled with for the past few days. not that I never had fear until now, but it has been more significant. Admitting to fear is scary. Subconsciously, avoiding seems like the better option. Whether it is by distracting my attention with something else or getting myself busy with friends and studies, whatever it is, it is still better than facing the fear and having to come up with a decision. Circumstances may have forced me into making decisions. Some Im proud of, some I regret. One of the biggest fear I face is the outcome of my decisions. Will it be bad? How bad? When? Who will be involved? So many questions for the future. Carrying the fear on my shoulders makes me forget about the moment. The moments I had, having and will be having. So is fear good or bad? Good fear? Bad fear?

I fear I may never make my parents proud. I fear that I'll disappoint myself over and over again. I fear that my future will be a blur. I fear that I may not get a job next year to pay for my living expenses. I fear that I'll be judged based on my academic results. I fear for my parents and family back home. I fear for my grandmother. I fear that I'll never have the money to travel. I fear that I'll lose contact with friends who matters to me. I fear that life is too routine and I'm losing out all the fun. I fear that I may not have enough time to prepare for my finals. I fear that I won't be able to handle my final year project, alone. I fear being alone and none understands what I'm going through. I fear that God will forget. I fear that my actions will hurt ones feelings. I fear for so many things and it makes me realize that Im such a coward.

Facing my fears starts today.

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